Charles Snider's Journal

I am Jack's overdeveloped sense of God.
God...what is God? is there a God out there? everyone would like to believe in it. there are lots of things that tend to lean towards some higher being. love, that special someone close to your heart that you never want to let go, the universe, the big bang. how do these things start? and why? well they could be just unexplainable things right now. so if they could just be unexplainable by our current understanding then why do we believe in God? well what have people been afraid of for thousands upon thousands upon millions of year? death is the answer. people are afraid of death. there are many out there that fear death much less than others. but there is always that fear in them somewhere. and most people don't fear the actual act of dying. i don't. they fear what is out there...what is after death. people believe in God because they want to be comforted by the fact that there could be something after death for them. no one wants to believe that when you die you die. you cease to exist. that all your energy is expended into the universe. that nothing is left of you but a rotting festering corpse that will decompose into energy for plants and animals...giving the last of your energy to those around. but people don't want to believe in that horrible truth. so they think of God as awaiting them after death. after you realize that there might not be a God...the next question is do you still believe? of course you do! the reason is right out in front of you in my explaination! why would you want to believe in nothing after death? belief is a strong concept that is made real. with a strong enough belief in something....you can do anything. some may read this and say they have never believed in God. well they do believe in their energies going into the great cog of the universe. supplying it with an eternal energy. so the universe will never stop. but i'm saying what if there is nothing. that you are nothing but the enerhy that you produce while alive and your decomposing body in death. even to those people it would be a stretch to believe they could accept that there is nothing after death. if they did believe then what stops them from killing everyone or trying to steal all the money in the world or some other crazy thing. nothing is stopping them except for instilled morals. but it is proven that morals can be over riden if you want them to be over riden. so the whole objective to this little tierant(spelling?) is this....belief is powerful. use it wisely. know both sides. death could be nothing more than death. but is could also be a rebirth into something much more beautiful than even this stunning and gorgous place we call home. i have seen beauty beyond all reconing in a sunset....and in the green eyes of someone special to me. something so undescribable that it is a shock everytime i see them. maybe, just maybe....there is something after death....and maybe that something is also there before death....in those green eyes.

By My Own Will......I shall prevail.

Chad

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Guster - Perfect

I am Jack's over run immune system.
i'm sick. but i have been able to see more clearly in the past few weeks than i ever have. i have seen that i was wrong in the past. what i thought was true has turned out to be something much less than i thought. i see now that i have something wonderful here. somthing to cherish. and, even though i'm sick, i feel better than i have in a long time. just when you feel your lowest. just when you think you have nothing left. something happens and you find yourself something special. it just kind of falls into your lap. i'm glad i was there to catch it though. life is too short my friends! i can't stress that enough. live life! you only have one of them. and it is there for you to live. so have fun! do what you can to be the best person you can be! and...above all else...find love....and never let it go. it is out there somewhere. just waiting for you to look....just waiting for your embrace.

By My Own Will.....I shall prevail.

Chad

Current Mood: sick
Current Music: Coyote Shivers - Sugar High

I am Jack's pale skin.
watched my favorite movie tonight. SLC Punk! fucking best movie ever! puts life into perspective. taught me some crazy lessons about life. i know it if kind of cheesy to say that a movie taught me some life lessons...but it did. simple as that. watch it and you'll see some deeper meaning to it all. and in the end you just have to smile at what comes next. i'm tired. i woke up today at like 2 in the afternoon and i haven't even been up for 12 hours...yet i'm exhausted. i did a bunch of things today. and i saw that special someone today at her work. so things are doing great! and i got to talk to my best friend tonight! the only problem now it that best friend. i said something about that special someone that i'm seeing (which i'm now dating) and she kind of changed ever so slightly. she is the unattainable girl for me. the girl that will always be my best friend...and i don't think ever any more than that. so i'm moving on. and i moved on into an even more wonderful place. i'm glad i am with her. i'm close to giddy i must say! i talked to her tonight on the phone. and she said she would call me later that night again. i was watching the movie in my suite mate's room. she IM'd me but i didn't get it. and she was going to call but my roommate was on the phone and i'm sure she got a busy signal. i feel bad. i wanted to talk to her. and she wanted to talk to me too. well i guess i'll have to settle for talking to her tomorrow night. can't wait though! wish i could see her. maybe she could come over or something and we'll watch a movie ar i'll go over there or something. things will work out. they always do. i'm living the cycle....it is all a revolution. it just keeps going round and round...and there isn't a stop anywhere in sight.

By My Own Will......I shall prevail.

Chad

Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: Counting Crows - Mr. Jones

I am Jack's painful finger.
short and sweet. well...i was out with some of my buddies and this wonderful beautiful girl that i'm crazy about. and after we dropped her off at her house and we were on our way back to campus kuntz opened his door to yell at someone and i had my hands out of the car. well when he slammed the door, my middle and ring fingers were there and he messed them up something good. nothing is broken and the ring finger is pretty much alright except for alittle bruising under the tip of the finger nail. the middle finger is cut up pretty good. almost got stitches. and they had to burn a hole through my finger nail to drain the blood so i could keep my finger nail. but thing are all good. it hurts but i'm glad the finger nail stays. and it will heal. the thing that is keeping me in such good spirits is that girl...can't keep my mind off her. and i hope she can't keep her mind off me!

By My Own Will......I shall prevail.

Chad

Current Mood: ecstatic
Current Music: Bush - Glycerine

I am Jack's pulsating libido.
i don't know why....but right now i feel really horny. i just want to jump this certian someone today. i didn't get to see her but i got to talk to her. and that was enough for me! anyways...i'm going to bed to dream the night away. hopefully of that certian someone!

By My Own Will......I shall prevail.

Chad

Current Mood: horny
Current Music: Brain Puker - Cindy Bikini

I am Jack's green eyed stare.
sitting there with my arms around you is like basking in the warm bright glow of heaven. i look into your eyes and i know that there is something special there. i know by every kiss we share. i want to lay in the grass and watch the stars with you next to me the whole time knowing you are right next to me.

i have met someone that is absolutely great! i really care for her and hope that everything works out. i guess sometimes it is right there under your nose the entire time. i'm glad i have been slowing down lately to take a look at what i'm missing. or i fear i would have missed this. and i would be regretting it for the rest of my life. well that is the short and skinny of what is going on in my life. everyone blindly walks through life...hoping they never fall down. life can be down right horrible at times...and absolutely grand at others! my life is grand!

By My Own Will.....I shall prevail.

Chad

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Radiohead - Morning Bell

I am Jack's overwhelming maddness.
i have a few things to talk about tonight. first off i have a question to pose to everyone. if you really liked someone and you are great friends with them but you are a distance apart that would not work well and you are both very busy...would you tell her how you really felt? i'm not sure. i want to tell her. but it would change things. i wish things were different. but they aren't. let me know what you think.

the next point is this...i'm kind of annoyed by girls that hang all over you and then you find out that they have a boyfriend. but then she hangs on you still. you wonder if she really likes her boyfriend. if, even drunk, she can't control herself enough not to hang on some guy. i hate when girls do that. because you think that hey this is a fun girl and a nice girl then it turns out that she has a boyfriend but yet she still hits on you. what do you do? i back off. you can't do that to someone. she is young and doesn't know much. even though she is only maybe a year younger than myself. i feel old now. i feel like i have lived a long time and have gained some knowledge that would usually take years upon years to accumulate. anyway...that is my second point...why do women have to hit on a guy when they know that the guy won't do anything that they seem to be looking for because of morals. i kind of wish, in one sense, that women would stay away from me for awhile. but i have another stronger sense that tells me that i have dealt with alot of crazy shit in my time....and that kind of shit is nothing in comparison. i will be strong and anything that happens i can handle or try to handle. i'm dealing with the shit as we speak. ALL the shit.

By My Own Will......I will prevail.

Chad

Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: Pearl Jam - Nothing Man

I am Jack's uncertain future.
the future...what does it bring? i can not tell. but i do know this...everyone has their moments of enlightenment. that brings me to my next point on what life is like. life is like a string. and there are a infinite amount of strings that are each different from eachother. and there is a point in everyone's life where a single string or multiple strings get tangled and form a knot. well that tangle is the point were things become hard. where you have to figure out what to do and how to untangle that knot. then you have to pick a path. because you are going to be left with some strings close by. and that is when you can choose a new path. you still don't know what's ahead. but that is the choice you have to make. i have reached that knot. there maybe other along any path i choose. but none like this. i feel as though every string of existance has been knotted infront of me. and when i am done fixing this knot i have any path i want to choose. the problem is fixing the knot. it seems every string i pull out and unknot makes a plethera of others get tighter and more strongly bound. it will take some time i think. but when i get to choose my path then it will be worth it all. the path is difficult but must be followed...for i have no where else to turn. and when i finally do get that choice...i think i will choose the path less followed. for that path will lead to enlightenment.....and hopefully love.

By My Own Will......I shall prevail.

Chad

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Angels In The Architecture

I am Jack's glassy eyes.
i feel like an empty void is inside me. i feel like a clay mold the encases a dark empty void now. there are cracks in the face. mended mishappenly. i stare out into the world as if nothing is there. my faces seems a mask for those to look at. the truth might so bad that you might get sucked into it as well. but then again...i don't feel dead inside. i just feel empty, blank, exhausted. just not all there. i'm not giving people a mask that is totally opposite of the truth. i just try to make the best of things. i can worry and think about the rest on my own. i don't need to worry anyone else with my shit. i just feel like something is totally missing inside me now. i'm not complete. and i miss it. but i guess that is the point to life. to find what completes you. some people have that strong pull and know what it is....some other people don't have that strong pull to fill the void. i have that strong pull...to fill my void. i need happiness and love for that one person. and all i have to do is keep moving on...and keep looking and waiting.

i don't welcome death. i don't want to die. but i want to see how far i can push it. how far i can take the edge. i ask myself..."can i hang off the edge?" then i try. life is too short not to test the end. it is enticing. to see the end of all existence is a thrill. i will continue to see the edge and i will continue to test the boundaries in which i can survive. some may say i'm crazy...i say i'm genius. i push to get a look at death. i don't want to stay. i want to live forever! i will live forever! i will live as the genius of my age. the one who found the edge to which things can be pushed. the one who was singed in hell's fires. to come back and try again for the edge and to dance in the face of evil...to dance on the devil. i am not a genius for trying death...i am a genius for living in the face of death. to toy with death and live for the future. if death takes me...then it takes me. he is a welcome customer in my store. we all have to go sometime. i'm not going to fight it. but i don't want him to come but for a visit. as long as he comes by and says hello a few times and lets me go on to love life and love the world and love someone totally then i'll love death and embrace it without hesitation. but if i don't experience those things then i will embrace with a heavy heart and a grim soul.

i'm still gold. but that will not stay. nothing gold stays. i take leave of you with my empty void drifting across my eyes. and my love for this world moving like the waters of the oceans. cascading upon the shores and mixing with the milions or others. i wait for death...patiently. and i live life for all it is worth. we don't have much time here. so you have to make the best of the time you got.

life is like a puzzle. some of the pieces fit together nicely. sometimes you get the border together and work on the inside. i have got bits and pieces. nothing else seems to fit. right now life has got me thoroughly stumped.

By My Own Will.....I shall prevail.

Chad

Current Mood: blank
Current Music: Weezer - The World Has Turned And Left Me Here

I am Jack's blurry vision.
It is like the mist is what's pretty ya know? All gold and silver.
Uh un.
Too bad it can't stay like that all the time.
Nothing gold can stay.

the truth stands out in that dialogue from the Golden Rule. that nothing gold can stay. i am gold. i am a bright light burning brighter than everyone else. but i'm going to burn out before everyone else. nothing gold can stay. i am shinning through the tarnish and and burning myself. i am blinded by myself. but nothing gold can stay. i will stay as long as i can. i await the day the death's cold kiss is pressed to my lips. and then...and then the light will go out...and then the gold will fade. nothing gold can stay. nothing can stay. it only fades away. away into the burning mist. forever in the fog of time and obsurity.

By My Own Will.....I shall prevail.

Chad

Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: New Found Glory - Hit or Miss

I am Jack's raging soul and bleeding heart.
things couldn't be more confusing. i'm going to find out about one person tomorrow. but there are many others i don't know about. all i know won't work except maybe two...one i'm going to find out tomorrow about. the other is someone that seems unattainable. someone out there in the far reaches that i'll never be with. she has her own wants and needs and i don't think i'm really apart of them except as a good friend. i wish that i was more. everything seems so far away. i miss her so much. i wish things could be different sometimes. but i don't want to look in that direction until tomorrow. because i like this one. and she is great! and she is wonderful! but it comes down to her. she has to make a choice in the matter. oh how i wish that things could be different. that life could be a light raing in my swimming hole instead of a monsoon. i am drowning in the deluge and i can't find someone to be there to see me through those tough times. and i don't have someone to see through those tough times. love comes in many forms. i love in many ways. but i would trade everything in this world for one chance at true love. even if i lost it, it would be worth a million lifetimes of experiences. to live life in persuit of love would be grand! to live life in the prison of love would be tarishing. love should be free but at the same time be for those that greet it and those you want it for. love should never be in a cage to be admired...but seen and put in awe of all other things. to have love for someone else is the greatest gesture anyone can give another person. love like love is the only part of life left in this dark place and yoiu will go one forever in the hearts of everyone. for love binds all.

By My Own Will.....I shall prevail

Chad

Current Mood: gloomy
Current Music: Weezer - No One Else

I am Jack's swirling pool of confusion.
i know that life is not simple. i never wanted it to be simple. if it was simple then it would be boring. but why can't i figure out what is going on when i really need to? all i want is to figure this out. i feel like i'm being swept up into a flood of uncertainties and confusions. where is it i'm suppose to be? i have an idea where it is...but it is an untainable dream. when do you know that there is something there? can it be that you look into her eyes and see something there that you never saw before. can it be that you look in and you see their soul. i wish i could look. i look and i can't look for long. my eyes will not stay fixed on hers. i look away...not in guilt, because i have none, not in shyness...but because i look and i see something but i feel if i don't look away then i might never let go and i might be lost in those eyes. forever bound to that beautiful gleam in her eyes. what i would give for that. but i don't want to jump into things. as much as i dream. and as much as i long. i will not look to the future for guidance in the present. the future is not set. and my future is going to some dark places. do i want those eyes to be with me? or should i let them go? and save them from maybe become dulled and dying? i never want them to burn out. i forever want them to burn into my soul. but i say this would be perfect. a longing and burning deep down in my soul for someone. i guess i just wait and see what lies ahead. the path is dark at the moment. all i need are those bright eyes to guide my way. but either way i will find my way through the dark to a place before the bright light...where an even brighter light awaits. a light that is with that one. the one that completes my soul.

love is like life....it lives alittle while on this plain of existance...but lives forever in those people it touches and the infinite other plains of existance. love is forever...and will never die.

By My Own Will.....I shall prevail.

Chad

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Weezer - El Scorcho

I am Jack's empty eye sockets staring into your soul.
things are getting better. i'm just out here to live life to the fullest. and that i have been doing lately. i quit smoking! to this day i don't know why i did. been getting the urge to do it but i have been stopping that urge pretty well. i'm tired right now. this sucks ass! finished moving the rest of my stuff. everythign is done now! yay!!! all i have to do now is go over to my friend's house and pick up my license plates and my clothes. tomorrow will be pretty cool as well. i'm going over to see jackie. and i'm going to hang out with a brother named dan at a proffessor's house. hey it was his fault for letting him house sit this summer! hehe well time to go. not my normal stuff. but i haven't been feeling like the normal philisophical stuff today. all i can say is this...life is way too short to not have fun with it. life is way too exciting to not enjoy every moment. i have lived 17 years in one second. and i have lived 17 million life times in one kiss with a beautiful woman...one touch from her hand...one beat of her heart so close to mine that our hearts beat together as one. that is what there is to live for. the one moment to live forever. i'm lucky...i done it a few times along the way. those are the moments the bring life into this world. i love life. and i hope to live forever by the time i die. i think that in my life time...i will get to live forever atleast once...but that is all i need. one time.

By My Own Will.....I shall prevail.

Chad

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Alkaline Trio - Clavicle

I am Jack's festering chest wound.
i am the jester. everyone sees me and laughs at me. then forgets about me. i am here for the good of others. what else shoudl i do? i think. all the time in the world to think. the problem is i can't think. i seem to have a block of some kind right now. on my road to enlightenment i have found a flaw....no knowing how to explain the light. not knowing how to explain the knowledge you acquire. i am thinking that the life of a monk would be a good thing anymore. it would give me time to think about the universe and all that is in it. it would give me time to think about the important things in life. things like love and soul. where my soul guides me i do not know. but i will follow. my soul follows my heart....and my heart goes where it pleases. i feel like a festing chest wound. that someon shot me with a shotgun right in the chest and i'm still alive. you can see my still beating heart and the blood foaming from the severed vessels. but i still move on. the wound heals. the pain dims but never goes away totally. it is always a constant reminder of the past. of what things are like. but do i feel the pain? no! what is pain in this life? nothing but an inconsequenticial fly! the pain is only there to make it all interesting. what would life be without pain? and the real question is....would you want to live a life without pain? if there were no pain then why would anyone dong anything? there wouldn't be wars or greed or poverty. because there woudldn't be pain. not only did pain help us out as a race. but life wouldn't be interesting without it! it would be boring a without flavor and spice. i crave the pain! alli ask is that the pain never go away. and my death be as painful as possible. because in pain i shall be cleansed for the light awaiting me. live for the light.

By My Own Will....I shall prevail.

Chad

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Blink 182 - All The Small Things

I am Jack's thriving bowel parasite .
i have come to the conclusion that this world is a bunch of shit! that you are put here to see how far you can climb, swim, and crawl through the shit. and to reward you once and awhile you will reach a small island where there is someone else there. and sometimes you stay. and sometimes you don't. nothing can go my way i think. it is an impossiblity amoung a plethera of possiblities. but i'm moving on. this is temporary i'm sure. life can't be this bad. it must be better than this. i just need so time to reflect. so time alone maybe. god knows i have lots of time to be alone! need time to think about this life. to try and follow the road to enlightenment. i know one path...and it seems to have reached an uncrossable chasm. there is no way to go back either. so i have to search for another way. enlightenment awaits me. i just need to look for it and follow what's in my heart.

By My Own Will.....I shall prevail.

not my best work...but true in my heart none the less.

Chad

Current Mood: discontent
Current Music: No Doubt - Don't Speak

I am Jack's cratered heart.
that is what my heart feels like. it feels like a moon that continues to be bettered about by meteors. my heart is a lone object floating around a dead burnt out sun. once it was a lively planet with a million different lifeforms on it! forever alive and moving with life. just once second later...adn the darkness hits in a burst of brilliant white light. and then all is dark. and my heart is a black charred mess with no life but what lies deep within. and how do i know that there is life deep within? because i can still feel the beat and the movement. even in the dark there can still exst a light that can grow. but will it grow? i can not say. with every battering and with the trickle of time... the light flickers more and more. the beat becomes irregular. the movement becomes sluggish. life and love go hand in hand. i feel the pull on my heart lessening. my heart wanders now in the eternal peace and bleakness of the total darkness. wandering to find a new life. and still taking the beatings of a million meteors. my hear tis slowly shrinking and crumbling before the onslaught. i hope it lasts. i hope i can move on. what else is there for me in this life? but move on...and continue my search for the one that will bring peace to this heart...and bring life.

live life for what it's really worth, not for what everyone else thinks it's worth, and you will see the light that i await.

By My Own Will.....I shall prevail.

Chad

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Beatles - Yesterday

I am Jack's misfit soul.
alone...nothing like a lost soul in a world of souls that have a place to be. i trace my path through the muck and find a twisted line with no beginning and no end. it seems that i see an end to that line at times. but it is a pin prick of light that flickers on and off at the end of a long tunnel. just when you think there is that chance you my find a placefor your soul...you find that there isn't room for you. the bus is full folks! no more room! but hey! so i hitchhike through life. i'm a wandering soul destined to be alone. i have no place in life...except to find a peace in this world that is complete. chaos can live in completeness. it dwells there. my soul is part of that chaos. swirling maoungst the mist of thought and dreams. it appears to be seen and then disappears into the darkness and easily forgotten. i am a misfit soul in this world...the only consolation i have is that i'm am not alone. i have seen other souls out there in the mist wandering like my own. seen and then gone. i just don't forget them. how can i? they burn their image into myself with every appearance. branding me with their faces. but wandering souls don't meet. they don't find eachother. we are meant to be alone. and alone we will be.....forever. never does the pain feel so terrible...yet never has it felt so wonderful. keep on wondering...you misfit souls. we are out there. just look alittle harder and maybe, just maybe, you will see us...you will se me...and maybe you won't forget the pain and emotion you see...and you will live life they way it was meant...but that is soething you need to find for your self. life is something different for each person. you just have to look hard into your heart and soul and you will see the truth. i am still looking and have yet to find an answer.

By My Own Will...i will prevail.

Chad

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: Reel Big Fish - I Want Your Girlfriend to Be My Girlfriend

I am Jack's mended heart.
I was told by a very good friend of mine a certain zen quote that means alot for me..."to forget one self, is to reach enlightenment." this thing is hard to do. and i don't think i could accomplish it in a million lifetimes. to care for everyone and everything else without care for oneself is a greatness beyond myself. this brings me to something else...i care for most people a hell of alot more than myself. is that the key to a life with love? i care emmensely for a certain someone and i don't know how to tell her. and i don't know if i can tell her. the situation does not allow me to bring it up because it could be disasterous. so do i say something for these moments that we could have and risk the future that we mgiht not have? or should i not say a thing so she can have her life. i'll always be there...just not the way i would like. life is full of these questions. should i do it to please myself...or the other? i will decide as the time comes. i do nothing for myself. in the end it is for some else. it has always been that way. i am fulfilled just the way i am. i don't need change...i will welcome change and not fight it. but a forced change is not needed. i am here for others. i am a servant of those i care for. this may sound like a bunch of crap...but it seems to be true. sometimes...just sometimes, things aren't what they seem. sometimes things aren't known and cannot be explained. sometimes actions take control and work on their own. sometimes i just don't know! and sometimes neither do you. most times i know nothing. but nothing is good...because that means i can only go up. but being on the bottom isn't so bad. that just means i can help others to the top. My hear will mend. My soul will bend. My cuts will heal. And i will live on. I am Jack's human stepping stool.

live life for the pursuit of love...and everything else will find you while you are searching...and you won't even know it.

Still searching...my own heart,
By My Own Will....i shall prevail.

chad

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Grade - Seamless

not much to say today. i will get back to all of you later about what i'm going to say. it is late and i'm going to bed.

Current Mood: mischievous
Current Music: Grade - For The Memory of Love

Where is your home? Is it where you live? Is it where you find the most love surrounding you? It is none of these. I lived in Ohio. I live in Detroit. But neither of these is my home. My home in with me all the time. Everywhere I go it is there with me. It is in my heart. And I never leave without my heart. I would die without my heart. Home is where you make it. Not who you make it with. So the next time you think about going home, think about it like I do. You aren't going to someplace where you lived once. but you are looking into yourself and seeing what you are....and what you left behind.

Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: Pearl Jam - Black

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